Twas the night before Christmas ……

Twas the night before Christmas and nothing was stirring, not even a mouse – well that’s an epic fail for starters given the way two fluffy things are staring at the welsh dresser and listening for the squeaking. Little gits have obviously captured one but not clever enough to get it – great, dead mouse smell for January, cheers dudes!

As many of you know that follow me on twitter, chaos seems to be a natural occurrence around me. To me these things seem sooooo normal but apparently they aren’t, and those that know me in real life just kind of go ‘ahh you are rather speshul’ not sure it’s always a compliment as ususally with a supressed giggle.

So, 2020 – well you’ve been a barrel of laughs haven’t you?!? The word cockwanker appears to be a useful word to describe it so I’ll do a little run down of some of the highlights. The first thing you need to know is a friend moved in during March just days before the first lockdown happened. It became very apparent very quickly that we are in fact the living embodiment of Manni and Bernard from Black Books and many tweets have reflected that strange reality of ours. Lockdown to two introverts allowed us to morph into some weird alternative reality and I’m genuinely concerned if we can ever re-enter society. I sense some training course will be needed in things like completing full sentences and not just blindly pointing and muttering and weirdly understanding each other. There has been an element of regressing to cave dweller status and the thought of engaging with real people now scares us!

The other thing was I discovered I was good at burning things. Even if it was nailed down it got burnt – fence, gazebo, doors, loads of stuff!! Even my neighbours were at one point dropping things round for me to burn, think the funniest moment was when my Muslim neighbour said the smell reminded her of being back home in Pakistan! So, not content with creating the fire I go and get a kiln and learnt to fuse glass – Casper the fire god is given life. I am the great and powerful Oz creating life in the shed mwahhh!!!! However thanks to twitter he had an enormous and continuous supply of twitter dumdums to be fed with, many women sent me links to twitter dumdums to burn and it almost became a weekly schedule of sacrifices. This pleased Casper greatly I must add. I will confess there was one incident when I did err very nearly set the shed on fire – do you know how long it takes for kitchen counters to burn through?? Nope, neither did I but I do now oopsie!

And as I’m writing Manni has now declared she isn’t having a bath and will therefore remain smelly – see told you we were becoming feral! We’re such a god dammed delight to be around. And the cats have now turned feral and chasing each other, I’m getting dizzy just watching the idiots – oh shit, maybe it’s another mouse??? Nope, not looking – turns music up to drown out any possible squeaking, see I’m also a natural problem solver! And omg she’s just come back down in her Christmas jammie, soooooo cute!!!

So, back to twitter as I seem to spend most of my life on there, either that or burning stuff – I like both equally well. And firstly I’d like to say thank you to my nutty little pals on there, you’ve kept me sane on my darkest days and always make me smile. There’s one who I should call Sir but my brain can’t do it and it always comes out wanker, I’m sooooooo naughty but can’t not be, oopsie! And to the many others that have spent time with the black dog this year, let’s hope we can get him firmly back in his kennel some time soon, it’s been so tough on so many for many differing reasons. Personally I don’t see that January will create a magical fix but it will start getting warmer and lighter and things never seem so bad in the sunshine.

The one thing I have greatly liked is rediscovering that naughty little apple thrower I thought I’d lost. I used to see glimpses in dreams or reflections in shop windows but I do believe she’s back; she’s older, battle weary and scarred but now deciding to make the scars into pretty butterflies. For those that don’t know butterflies are the spiritual symbol of change and to see them is always a blessing. Ooh by that logic that means I’m a delight too?? Hurrah!!

So, 2020, I shall be rejecting you to the recycling bin but keeping the nice bits if that’s ok? There were an awful lot of nice bits to be honest, and I know some have fared far worse than us and it’s about trying to cling to that. Right, I’m opening the dandelion wine we made – run and hide good people of twitter!!! Happy Christmas all, I know it’s not what any of us expected but it’s what we have so have a good one xx

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