Ok, so it’s been a week since I had my sort of revelation moment, a week that I’ve been apologising to people that I needed to and also being honest with those that most matter to me. A lot can happen in a week!
One thing I didn’t anticipate is the uncovering of ghosts and the fact that I haven’t dealt with them – the therapists out there will be screaming No Shit Sherlock!!! But yeah, I haven’t so it just seems like while I’m trying to get onto a new path first I have to get across the crazy paving and under each misshaped piece is a misshaped piece of my past that contributed to me today. Ghosts, some happy and some not so.
First not so happy ghost – I have a back bedroom, well actually I have a back bedroom of doom that contains hoarding that the TV shows may be interested in. I can put no more in the bin right now as I can’t lift it and there is a 10 day wait till bin day – I’ve done the 5’2″ wriggle of shame and got the bags out and put them in the boot to do a tip run instead. You’d love me as a neighbour, it’s just so classy! However, the reason for saying this I emptied a box and was totally thrown by its contents. Inside in glorious duplicate was the paperwork from my solicitor to my ex-husband chasing payment for yet another unpaid debt. Also, the paperwork clearly stating he had used my address to buy and insure a car from. I’d genuinely forgotten that I even had it, it’s now been added to the burning pile as that’s where it belongs.
But this leads me to the next stage of clearly not dealing with ghosts. I’ve considered fostering, not really gone into it much yet but made an initial inquiry. They called me today and we had a brief semi interview. It did not occur to me that they would want to know about my ex-husband, I was not prepared for the question and having unearthed that paperwork can’t say I’m exactly thinking happy things about him right now. Normally I don’t even think about him or if I do it’s kind of meh yeah whatever but when social services asked to talk to him I shocked myself at the reaction. It was a real woah no way. I even caught myself listening to myself in a sort of weird out of body thing and being completely unable to stop this conversation. The unresolved anger shocked me, not towards him but towards myself that I let that all happen.
I put the phone down thinking ok, I’m nowhere near ready to do this. A friend has lent me the Russell Brand book about getting over addictions and I love the whole ‘1, are you f&^$ed up?; 2, do you not want to be f%^$ed up?’. I know he’s not for everyone but for me it works cause I giggled at it and I’ve actually said this to friends. Also, social services asked me to provide references and I just thought flip they can’t lie that I’m exactly stable can they??
So, my plan – and yes there is a plan! I will delay the idea of fostering, still think I could do it but absolutely not now. The damaged cannot heal the damaged, we’d just create more chaos and that’s not fair on a child or on me or on my support network that would ultimately have to pick up the pieces.
So, the plan! Decide who I want to be in 12 months time, what sort of person do I want to be? What projects do I want to be working on? How will I create healthier coping strategies? How will I talk to my friends? How do I become a better friend? And then the cruncher, how do I get there?
Right now, I’m at the stage of having only just admitted to those close to me the demons I live with and the rubbish coping mechanisms I use (ok ok they’re not good ones, I know this!). I have no intention of becoming a vegan who meditates every time they see a bee (humble apologies to those that take pleasure in this act). However I would like to pick up my artwork again, nope I’ll never win the Turner prize but that isn’t why I do my projects. I enjoyed my random art stuff. I used to enjoy lots of things and I need to build that backup. I cannot possibly hope to be any use to a child when I’m only just starting my own recovery.
However, I don’t see this as doom and gloom – I actually see this as a target for me to wake up and get stronger. Who knows, 12 months later my art may have got to a stage where friends are prepared to put it in their homes rather than a polite err yeah that’s interesting! I also see it as a massive leap forward in self-awareness and not hiding anymore, I’m bored of hiding so bring on the journey,