Ok, the post mortems are in and the fake plotting finished. You know the fake plotting, where you sit with your girlfriends and devise evil things to do with the strict understanding that these things will NEVER happen and they are purely to vent and exorcise hurt emotions. Ok, so a while back I got dumped via message and I was upset so step in the girly support network. However, I don’t want to make this a tale of woe or a ‘please feel sad for me’ thing. The writing was on the wall, I was just staring out the window and not looking! So, during the girly post mortems we regaled each other of the things guys have done over the years that actually had we listened in the first place we sort of knew all along they weren’t exactly Mr Darcy!
So our list, and these are in no particular order of importance as it were, just things we noticed that at the time we thought oh that’s a bit odd but didn’t want to accept it was a warning sign. Also, some of these things may be perfectly explainable and not saying that if any of these things occur then immediately worry – but it’s when you start to see more and more of these things creeping in that maybe you should listen a bit harder to your friends that are going ‘err are you sure he’s actually that good for you??’
- Doesn’t reply to messages or calls – and please don’t think this is a diva ‘he hasn’t called me back, he doesn’t love me’ reaction. We’re all busy, all got lives and no it’s not always to answer or message back. But when you call and don’t even get a quick text saying ‘sorry I missed your call, is everything ok?’ and it happens fairly often it’s not really a good sign that he values you.
- Joint memberships of things – this is an odd one, and apologies if we’re jumping to conclusions but we found it odd that supposedly single guys would buy joint memberships, however we did recognise it could also be a nice thing so you can take a friend too.
- You never meet his friends – at the start, of course, you want it to be all about you and stay in your little bubble but when you never go out of the bubble we found that a little odd, almost as if you’re a secret – and you possibly are!
- Things are always on his terms – little things like communication, where to eat, what to eat, not giving you full information about where you’re going. Romance and surprises are wonderful, saying let’s go for a walk that turns into a hike and your heels can’t negotiate hills is a tad irritating!
- Venom for an ex – I get that we each have baggage, I get that if a relationship ends it’s probably not exactly going to have been wonderful at the time, but blimey let it go people!!
- Never meeting friends – again, we’re back to keeping the bubble and not venturing outside of it as if you’re a secret and you may well be.
- Not really listening to you – I get that no you don’t want to hear how little fluffy was amazing at the vet for the umpteenth time but it was important to me. Ok, that didn’t happen but other situations did and you’re made to feel like your worries were unimportant – again, shows the value they place on you.
- Defensively aggressive if things aren’t going their way, I get we all get grumpy and irritable on times but when conversations are clearly off the table you wonder what else is being hidden, maybe it’s another surprise so packs wellies, heels, trainers, wetsuit …. ! Hmm what else??
- Vague life histories that can’t quite be verified – I get that each of us have things we’re not too proud of and wouldn’t want our parents seeing it on Facebook (really shouldn’t have put Mother on my friends list) but when all the stories just seem to have oddities you start to question the bigger picture and are they actually a liar covering their tracks?
- No social media presence – in this day and age it’s odd not to find some record of someone. This isn’t to be interpreted as stalking, that’s a totally different game and personally not a big fan or see the need to but when they can’t be found at all it’s a bit odd.
As I said, this isn’t a tale of woe – it was actually a very funny evening sitting there going ‘oh, do you remember when he did that to you??’ and the WhattsApp ideas of revenge were just brilliantly funny. But some of the things mentioned did raise doubts for us, were these guys living a false life? And the sad part is, once doubt is introduced it is incredibly difficult to remove. And again, this isn’t intended as a checklist but more a collection of experiences over the years and it was a very funny evening!
We’re grown ups, we date, we get hurt and we dust ourselves off – it’s life and the rollercoaster of dating is just that with its ups and downs.