Ooh I got a message!

Ahh the joys of the direct message!! Having been on twitter for a while they no longer shock me; surprise yes, make me giggle yes but shock no.  I still think my favourite intimate DM of a guy was the one where I asked ‘so where’s your wife?’ and got the reply ‘she’s in Asda with the kids and I’m bored’ err yeah ok!

So, we begin the ping ping of the direct message circus.  And again, guys if you’re smart you will pay attention and learn how it is most definitely NOT done!!

Firstly, all you need to do is pay attention to the profile a little and make some vague nod to it.  If for instance the lady shows an interest in film mention your favourite.  This shows attention to detail.  However, asking for a back seat at a porn movie theatre is unlikely to produce a reaction that doesn’t involve blocking you.  Context, gentlemen, context is everything!!!

Secondly, begin with something small and trivial, ‘hello’ for instance is a perfectly small yet friendly word to use.  Sending me a potted history of your last five years and why you are single does not interest me and I am not looking to recruit you for a job so please don’t assume I want a CV.  You’ve now not reached the interview stage and have been rejected.

Do not immediately send me a photograph that is inappropriate or not already in your public profile – especially if any part of you is naked, we are back to the ‘if I have to explain in more detail’ aspect of this debacle.  At no point does a response of ‘hello, how are you?’ invite an intimate picture, it is called conversation.  If you are wanting to book a lady by the hour you may be on the wrong site.

Any messages received after midnight will be considered drunken booty calls – unless we have previously spoken and am aware you do shift work.  An initial message received late will be assumed to be fuelled by alcohol and will receive no attention unless it’s funny and then I will just point out why it’s funny before blocking you.

Sending any message that involves being rude about previous partners will not receive good attention either.  I get that we each have baggage and past lives, however please do not mix me up with the baggage handling at an airport.  I will immediately open the case, distribute all the items and send them around the world for you! I get that you hate your ex-wife or she took your dog or car or whatever, but truthfully not long after you started telling me I kind of switched off so even if you told me a gem in the last sentence it never got read.    Ahh that’s another thing, please please don’t send a picture of you with your arm around a woman who’s head has been sharpie penned over – if you only have pictures with your ex there is something very very wrong and I’ve already mentally run away!

Ahh the insistent messager – guys seriously, do NOT send me a message every hour going ‘still not talking to me then?’ err nooooo I kind of hoped you’d have figured this out by now.  The mental health assessment unit is on standby for your clearly overly strong dependency needs. This screams of insecurity and if you are this clingy in direct message I dread to think what you’d be like as a dating prospect!  I for one have no intention of wearing a tag so you know where I am at all times though actually with my ability to get lost is may prove useful, actually nah I’ll just update the satnav.

What else, oh yes – do not send me messages telling me how wasted, stoned, smashed etc etc you are; you do not actually know that I am not connected to any type of law enforcement and and yes as previously stated I can consume a little too much wine on times but am not about to send you messages about it.  If we were dating you would be the one trying to find my shoes so would be perfectly aware of the situation and I would have no need to message you this information.

And these are just the first messages!! Not even after a few days, these are seen as ice breakers!  Off to check my inbox now,

Quirky x

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