Ok, so for some absurd reason I decided to put myself out there and join the scary world on online dating. Grab the popcorn, there’s been some interesting twists and turns!
Been single for a while now, not necessarily unhappy with life but just thought ok let’s give this a whirl and see if there are any nice guys left in the world. Dutifully logged into one of the main sites, growled at the weird questions, counted up how many pairs of wellies and the usual oddments of information that you can’t figure out why on earth they’d possibly want it. Didn’t put up a picture, I put up a silly little cartoon instead – am not hideous but like most over 30 the selfie isn’t always our best friend. I then installed said app thingy on my phone and blimey should have put it on silent!
Ok guys, firstly as soon as a new girl shows up you do not message before the profile is complete – that just shows raging hormone alert as there is no way you could have gotten past ‘woohoo female, let’s try NOW’ in your head. Trust me you didn’t get a reply!!
Profile pics – guys seriously this is a quick no no list:
Pictured in the pub – yes I am partial to a drinkie and yes I will fall in love with my bestie as we declare undying love at 3am however posting a pic with a pint implies that’s all you do, even I know not to show a pic of me with a wine glass!
Pictured in your underwear – JUST NO!!!!! If I have to explain this you need more help than can ever be offered.
Pictured on your bed – JUST NO!!!! again we know most of you are just after a quickie but do us the decency of attempting to imply some decency
Pictured on a motorbike – if you have named it get off these sites now, no female is going to help you, trust me on this one
Pictured with a fish – we are not the Angling Times and really don’t care about how many hours on a slimy river bank you spent to catch said fish, but if it tastes nice then maybe?!
Please please stick to something slightly dull like your name and numbers eg Tim-345 not ‘TimThunderPants’ see the difference and how it might put us off?? Again, if I have to explain this in more detail the help may not be available on the NHS for you.
‘Seeking my soul mate’ err yeah ok, just cause we like the odd chick flick doesn’t mean we believe it for real! And don’t lie about your height, weight, hair colour etc then put a pic of you in the pub with a clear beer gut, no hair and a good 8 inches shorter than you claimed! None is an issue, the fact you fibbed is the issue – plus you’re a bit thick for not connecting the two pieces of information and leaving it out there for us to find and notice, but thanks for the early pass as it were.
When replying to us – unacceptable words:
hun xxxxx (more than one x will have us retching for the same amount of times)
babe etc etc
we are not 12, we are not looking for a puppy!! And this was all on day one!
Guys seriously, what gives?? Do not expect an immediate reply, I had a life before dating and will continue to have one so my humble apologies for not putting my needlework down and immediately leaping for glee that I have a message from you. If you are stupid enough to message again within the hour with something like ‘you not chatting??’ or worse still ‘I hate rudeness at not replying’ you may be shocked to learn that I was at work and unable to check my phone. Despite your best efforts at humour messaging me constantly will annoy me and make me think you a needy wimp who is now blocked. And demanding an instant reply on a Sunday morning when the hangover hasn’t hit – you are delusional my friend!!
There is no picture of me on the site, very little information and blimey these boys are keen – tomorrow will regale you with some of the actual dates