I wish I could be one of those that adores Christmas, the build up, the decorations, the food and all that goes with it but I can’t. My ideal Christmas would be just me, in my pajamas watching old black and white movies and not actually speaking to another soul – except twitter, that doesn’t count!
That’s the trouble for the introverted and the damaged, enforced socialising highlights to us the things we are bad at or struggle with. The odd thing is put me in a work type thing and I can small talk brilliantly, but that’s because I’m usually promoting someone else. That’s easy to do, I’m not talking about myself and worrying how you’re judging me. I come out with the most random stuff on twitter but that’s because you don’t know me so it doesn’t matter if you think I’m an utter loon but meet me in public and you’ll find an incredibly shy person. Well, actually you wouldn’t meet me because that requires me to get out of my pajamas and actually talk to you so don’t hold your breath on that one! Ask me to describe other people and you will get an amazing list of why they are so wonderful or talented, ask about me and the shutters will come down. Nada, zero, zilch – nope aint gonna happen anytime soon so best go wait for about an hour and see if I relax enough to say anything remotely personal. It is often said of me that I talk a lot but say nothing. Took me ages to figure out what that meant but I remember an old work colleague saying that although she’d worked alongside me for almost two years she felt she knew nothing about me despite us chattering for hours on a daily basis.
This is the only place I can say things, and again that’s because you don’t know me so you’re anonymous same as I am. Also, I find it far easier to write than speak of anything remotely personal or intimate. Never ask me to tell you what’s wrong, always ask me to write you a letter or an email but don’t be surprised when you think eek had noooo idea that was going round the small brain! And then, expect me to hole up and not look at you when you try and answer me or ask more questions – again reply in writing if possible. Think that’s why I like twitter so much, it’s word based and you get to chat to people all around the world without the need to get dressed. That suits me, I don’t need to leave the house to find interesting people to talk to.
So, back to Christmas – had stuff happen that makes holidays difficult for me. Won’t bore you, we all have memories and triggers that kick off on times and if this time of year is one for you too you have my deepest admiration for holding it together. You also have my empathy as I fully get the mental anguish of the expectation vs the reality of this time of year. The expectation is what you see in movies and that’s not real. That’s 2 hours of cinema designed to engage, it’s an illusion – yes a fun one but an illusion none the less. The reality is tearing your hair out in endless queues in the supermarket buying stuff no-one would ever normally buy because it’s expected. Not a clue what half the stuff is in my cupboards right now, thankfully got cats that will eat anything so it won’t get wasted. And playing games, what’s that all about?? We never get the monopoly out any other time but it’s expected – at least I now have a Simpsons set so it’s a little more fun but you get the idea.
For those of you that love Christmas, excellent, can I come be a fly on the wall to get some tips? For those of you like me that struggle, our own reality will return soon so hang in there!